Knowing What We Want

It's hard isn't it? to know what we want? For most of us that clarity has been obscured by layers of information from external sources. The explicit and implicit expectations, demands and judgments from the context that our neurobiological/physiological/emotional systems grew in, had to adapt in ways that might have kept us from knowing what we

wanted. We adapt, that is our saving grace, the thing that kept us alive, what helped us to get here. Are there consequences? Of course.

In the process of adapting, we needed to discard, deny, hide, vilify and ignore so many aspects of us, very early on. Adapting is a survival strategy which forced us to prioritize what our caretakers, our original 'group', needed from us. What was acceptable, desired and expected became, almost instantly, tied to our sense of Self, how we saw ourselves, how we learned to identify ourselves, how we showed up in the world and how we thought we'd be accepted by the world. Anything that veered from that was either externally and/or internally discarded, criticized, shamed, blamed or judged so as to keep us accepted and validated by those around us.

Imagine starting as we do, taking on, incorporating the identities, the goals, desire, attractions, fears, beliefs set up for us by those that came before us. What's interesting is that those that shaped what we wanted were also shaped by the ones that came before them. The themes, scripts and stories thought to be involved in the survival and thriving of that lineage, will continue to be imparted, projected onto future generations, this is at the core of human survival.

And so it goes, generation after generation, carrying the themes, identities that make us 'special', that set us apart, or that let us blend in, thus survive. All of these themes and scripts are protective in intention despite the limitations of how they played out. There comes a time, however, that one courageous and deeply pained human in that lineage, begins to question, to look more deeply, to notice the weight that they are carrying and the difficulty it poses to most areas of their life. This is the moment of awakening, the moment of truth as they say. It comes out of deep longing, shame, grief and accompanied by so many physical/psychological and emotional symptoms (too many to mention and designed to alert us) that we may feel that we are broken beyond repair, that something is so deeply wrong with us rendering us helpless and hopeless in a world we can no longer function in. I know this sounds dramatic, but this is at the core of our discontent, regardless of how well we mask, pretend and 'go on' with our life.

Some of us never experience that grief. Some of us were 'lucky?' in that the world they inherited fit their inner world, The inner world fit the narratives of the outer world. Lucky them? I'm not so sure. I am grateful for my discomfort in not belonging, in not being accepted, in relating to those on the outside of the narratives of productivity, progress, advancement, etc. Don't get me wrong, I tried so hard, in so many ways to belong, to be accepted, masking and adapting, abandoning myself right and left like the best of them. I'm grateful for that difficulty though because it led me to look deeper into the arbitrariness of the narratives, the corruption and agendas of control, exploitation and colonization that it has carried throughout time and that play out in every system I've ever interacted with. I'm grateful I was never truly accepted, that I never felt like I belonged. This deep grief, discomfort and frustration led to an expansion of 'the' world as I saw it very early on. I think often of the layers upon layers of what it took and takes to live in a world manipulated to serve some and not others. I think often what it must take to live in bodies that don't quite belong in this archaic, cruel, ignorant, and crumbling world that still stands.

It's no wonder we don't know what we want. How could we? We did not have the space, for most of us this started early, even in our mother's womb. Then came School, the socialization of what was desired and expected, I'm sure it was difficult to find room there as well. What we want is obscured by the imposed desires of a world that has itself as the reference, the path and the goal. So, how do I know, how do I sift through the thousands of years of programing that shaped every aspect of the world and that sits on top of the tiniest sprout of who I am and what I want.

It takes time, it takes immeasurable quantities of grief and shame, it takes intention, it takes desire, it takes commitment, so many tears, so many torn boundaries and new ones created in their place, so much courage and stubbornness, loneliness and perseverance. Mostly and always, it requires compassion, to understand what you're dealing with, where it comes from in your own little story, to understand that you're dealing with systemic issues designed to dissuade you, contain and confuse you. It takes gratitude, gratitude for the grief that has led you to this place of understanding, of acceptance of yourself as you are. Keep at it. Here's a little formula (they don't exist in real life):

• Sow down. Notice what's happening in your body. Breathe. Name the sensation.

• What is it that you want? What feels like what you 'shoul want?

• Let the confusion parts be there. they're doing their job to keep you from detaching from a world that you survived.

• Observe the beliefs, observe the emotions, observe how your body reacts to this inquiry.

• Notice what all this might be linked to, the places, people, situations. Observe how these links elicit memories, sensations, emotions. What parts are speaking, What messages are coming. Trace these narratives, see what their purpose is (mostly to keep you safe, attached, accepted, etc).

• See the fears these parts hold when you consider accessing what you want instead.

• Be with the fear, observe it, listen to it, breathe, let that fear part of you feel that you can now hold it without overwhelming you.

• Keep observing, inviting these parts in, letting them see who you are now, letting them find ways to trust you even though it was so scary in the context within which they were created. Allow them to update the information they hold of you, of the world you live in.

• Keep sitting, keep breathing, keep allowing, keep providing an internal safe space for these things you want to come in, to take their place amongst all the other protecting strategies that have served you so well.

• Keep at it and let the things that you want to take shape, to unfold, to develop safely and without judgment.